“There is nothing we receive with so much reluctance as advice.”

~ Joseph Addison

When people offer you unsolicited advice, how do you deal with it?

Many of us feel the need to justify our actions or explain our own viewpoints when we disagree with others’ counsel, probably out of habit. Far too quickly we can become defensive and irritated.

It’s easy to bristle when we think people are overstepping, especially these days when we’re all a bit more on edge. Whether it’s a parent, older sibling, or overbearing friend, there appears to be no shortage of people anxious to stick their noses in our business.

But why does it get to us so badly?

I think we all like to feel that we know what’s best for us.

Or we’ve already heard the advice a million times. Or it feels like they are trying to “mother” us and we pride ourselves on our independence. 

These exchanges can feel uncomfortable and can increase the tension in our relationships. Often when we share our problems, we just want to vent or hear some words of comfort. We tend to back away from people who have all the answers, especially before we’ve had the time to work through the issues ourselves.

Underlying our irritation is often a deeper reaction to someone else second-guessing us, which can make us feel “less than.”

I’m trying out a new idea that came to me a few months ago, and it’s making a huge difference in situations like these. Before reacting, I’m pausing for a minute to remember that the advice-giver, however misguided, is just trying to help. Even if they tend to be overbearing, their suggestion still probably comes from a place of concern for us, and I have decided to honor that.

I’ve started to respond simply with “Thank you.” Or “Thank you, I’ll consider that.” Or “Thank you, I’ll look into that.”

When we’re offered advice we didn’t ask for, we’re under no obligation to follow it or even explain our position.

But we don’t have to throw it back in their faces either. Or let it ruin our day.

All that’s required is for us to be gracious, and then do whatever we believe is right for us. 

More often than not, I find that the advice-giver smiles at my response, and leaves it at that. End of discussion.

Rather than feeling wounded by the interaction, they seem to be buoyed up because someone they care about has accepted the “gift” they’ve offered, acknowledged their contribution, and allowed them to feel wise for a moment.

And, seriously, don’t we all like that feeling?

After that I’m usually able to move on with my day without the irritation I used to feel. And, sometimes, because I’m no longer irked, I’m able to actually consider their idea.

It can take us some time to warm up to solutions that aren’t our own, but a mature person doesn’t reject them out of hand just because we didn’t come up with them ourselves.

If we eschew what seem like bothersome suggestions, or worse, get snippy with the offending party, we not only risk hurting our loved one’s feelings, we may risk cutting off an important source of wisdom in our lives.

As the old Scottish saying goes:  

“O wad some Power the giftie gie us, to see oursels as ithers see us!"

(“Oh would some Power the gift give us, to see ourselves as others see us.”)

If, despite using this technique, your loved one persists, you may need to have a longer conversation about your differing needs. Tell them that you appreciate their guidance, and know it’s coming from a good place, but that you’re the type of person who likes to figure things out for yourself, or to learn through experimentation. Let them know that you’ll be sure to turn to them if you get stuck.

It may take some time for them to break the habit, but you’ll at least have made them aware that it’s not what you’re looking for. Suggest what they can offer you instead: a hug, a walk, a glass of wine.

Rather than suffer in silence, part of having authentic relationships is being honest and letting people know what we need. This also frees them up to let us know what they need from us.

Many of the Zen books I’ve been reading this year stress the value of simple concepts:

A pause.

A thank you.

Remaining open.

Giving others the benefit of the doubt.

Try responding with gratitude the next time you’re offered unsolicited advice, and let me know how it works out for you.

Affectionately,

Elaine