To Improve your Relationships, try Focusing on the Little Things

“Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.”
~ Robert Brault

Do you know about the Broken Windows theory?

I first learned about it in Malcolm Gladwell’s popular book The Tipping Point: How Little Things Can Make a Big Difference. In it, the author reported on a number of interesting trends across the country. One story was about an unusual initiative to address the high crime rate in New York City in the mid-90s. Working with the theory that one broken window will inevitably lead to another, and then escalate to more serious crimes, city officials decided to tackle the problem from the bottom up.

When they cleaned up the broken glass, mowed lawns of vacant properties, removed abandoned cars, and painted over graffiti, the crime rate began improving. The supposition was that as residents noticed improvements in their environment, they became more invested in their neighborhoods, and began to take active steps to help prevent more serious crimes. Gladwell described it as a “cascading effect.”

When we’re experiencing trouble in our relationships, we sometimes think that only a big, dramatic change will fix it. I wonder if, instead, we might try applying the Broken Windows theory, and addressing the small annoyances that, over time, can erode even the most stable partnerships.

A few years ago I attended a women’s group meeting where the theme was “gratitude.” Each of us was given a small glass container to use as a gratitude jar. The instructions were to add one note about something we were thankful for to the jar every day.

From the first day of the exercise, I felt myself paying more attention to the small things in life that made me happy. My first cup of tea in the morning, a light breeze when I stepped on the porch, a butterfly visiting my Vincas. At the end of the month, when I took out the slips I’d placed in the jar, I relived the delight I had experienced in each of those small moments. The practice of keeping an eye out for the little joys called my attention to them, and the act of writing them down made me more likely to remember them.

Many recent studies point to the development of a gratitude practice as one of the most effective steps we can take to increase our personal happiness. (If you want to try it, consider treating yourself to a beautiful gratitude journal such as this one created by fellow blogger Natalie Hoerner. Check out her Etsy site as well.)

This pandemic has been tough on family relationships. Although time together has strengthened our bonds in some ways, the lack of personal space and alone time has also amplified some of the smaller vexations we have with each other that can seem to grow by the day. When our stress level is elevated, as it is for just about everyone this year, we can easily let those small, inconsequential behaviors get under our skin.

In our minds, it’s easy to imagine that our spouses could (or should!) just change their habits for us. But we know it’s probably not realistic, just as we aren’t likely to change for them. Given that losing that lovin’ feelin’, even if only temporarily, can cause us to feel disconnected and, over time, put our relationships in jeopardy, it’s important to do something to make sure that doesn’t happen.

But how can we lessen the degree to which the “small stuff” affects our relationships?

I’m thinking a modification of the gratitude jar exercise might help—one specifically related to our spouses.

What if we started paying closer attention to the thoughtful things they do for us? The positive actions our partners make on our behalf that we may miss?

The idea is to “catch them doing something good,” as we are advised to do with kids.

A gratitude jar for our partners is not a panacea, of course, and if there are substantial problems in our relationships, we need to do the deeper work required. (Couple therapy works well if you start early enough.)

Instead, it’s another tool for our relationship toolbox that can help us feel more positive about them—a first step towards deepening our connection with them.

A gratitude practice can raise our awareness of the things we typically take for granted.

It’s sad (but very human!) to let small annoyances get to us. There’s actually a scientific explanation for it, psychologists have discovered. When something happens that makes us feel frustrated or angry, our brains are wired to remember it because of the strong, negative emotion attached to it. By contrast, when someone does something nice for us, like bring us a cup of tea, we may note it briefly at the time, and even smile and thank them. But, sadly, it just doesn’t get laid down in our memory in the same way.

Given this fact about our biology, it might be easy to assume there’s nothing we can do about our level of aggravation with our loved ones but, happily, there is!

It’s been a hard year, and we’re all doing the best we can to get along. Try the gratitude jar for a month and see if you can tip the balance in your relationship in a more positive direction. Actively search for evidence to support good feelings about your sweetie.

It may take some time to develop the gratitude habit, and even more time for you to get some of that old lovin’ feeling back, but it will be worth it.

Even better, share your findings with your partner and watch them light up as they realize how much you do appreciate them.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you! I’m grateful to have you in my life.

Affectionately,

Elaine