Breaking up is Hard to Do

Photo by Anna Bass

“Every time your heart is broken, a doorway cracks open to a world full of new beginnings, new opportunities.”
~ Patti Roberts

Romantic relationships are hard. Hard to find, hard to maintain, and hard to heal from when they don’t work out.

Several friends my age are back in the dating pool, and I’ve been riding the waves with them. The initial uncertainty, a growing connection, the excitement of the early dating period, and then, too often, the breakup.

A hopeless romantic, I admire the tenacity and bravery of anyone who is willing to keep trying to find love.

It’s always sad when romantic relationships end, but even more so when someone else breaks up with you. It’s so…personal. It hurts, bashes your self-esteem, and plunges you into victimhood.

As a friend, all I can do watch my single-again friends’ adventures from the sidelines, and offer an ear or a margarita date when things don’t work out. A friend and I had drinks together last week, and we talked about some of the lessons people learn from their breakups:

-Breaking up is a sign that the relationship doesn’t work for one of you. And if it doesn’t work for one, it doesn’t work for both, hard as that is to face.

-Much as you may enjoy someone’s company, and find the ways they are different from you exciting, if there’s not enough common ground, it can be difficult to lay down a foundation that can stand the test of time. Often one partner may be aware of the potential issues early on, while the other has blinders on, because they don’t want to lose the connection.

-Breakups often spark a period of self-reflection while you process both what went wrong and, if you’re feeling generous enough, what went right. When you’re in the full throws of missing someone, it can be tempting to sugarcoat the relationship, but that only increases the pain.

-Even happily married people or those in committed relationships can experience periods of heartbreak. Your partner may turn out to be very different than you expected, or may grow or change at some point in a way that upsets the comfortable balance you once had.

-When spouses can’t work it out, separation and divorce can leave both of them devastated, and in disbelief. The only silver lining is the little bit of relief that comes with the realization that the trying is over, exhausting as it is.

-The pain of losing a spouse or partner forever is the absolute worst kind of heartbreak. Sudden losses are the most tragic, but even when a loved one has been gravely ill, you’re never truly prepared for the ending.

~~~

The longer we live, the more likely we are to go through some kind of heartbreak.

No matter what kind of heartbreak you experience, or what initiates it, pain is pain.

There is no easy way to get around it. It can feel like you’re lost in a dense fog, unable to see your next steps. All you can do is seek the support of friends, and give yourself time to heal. If you’re in that place right now, here are some tips that may help ease your pain a bit.

Being sad is the initial first step to your recovery, and it’s important to honor the feeling.

Don’t skip this step, or you’re likely to wind up in a rebound relationship, which is doomed to fail because rather than being truly open to someone new, you’re just using them to distract or comfort yourself. Far better to use the time to work through your own emotions and the experience you’ve just been through.

Difficult as it is, suffering presents us with the opportunity to learn and grow from it.

“When we do this kind of work on how we view our past self, we make it possible for the future to be based on a positive self-assessment,” says the author of a Daily OM post titled “A New Beginning.”

Too often in relationships, in an effort to get along, we lose ourselves. If you feel you’ve strayed too far from who you used to be, this might be a good time to go on a journey within. Self-reflection will put you in a better position to know what’s important to you and what your deal beakers are going forward.

In the end, it all comes down to learning to be happy yourself.

Once you do the necessary emotional work, you will be better able to weather the storms in all of your relationships.

Toward that end, the website Your Tango offers “60 Empowering Breakup Songs” that can help you see the upside of moving on from a relationship that’s not working. As they say in the introduction to the list, “The best happy breakup songs may express feelings of regret, but more than that, they celebrate the moment you regain the freedom to live life on your own terms, the exhilaration of being single again, and the realization that you are complete in yourself.”

I’ll be holding a good thought for you as you work to gain that perspective.

Affectionately,

Elaine