“The practice of forgiveness is our most important contribution to the healing of the world.”
~ Marianne Williamson

Last week’s post seems to have struck a chord. We’ve all been hurt, and have had to forgive, just as we’ve hurt others and had to ask for forgiveness. As the quote from that post says, “Life is an adventure in forgiveness.” 

None of us wants strife in our relationships. It’s exhausting to have ongoing tension with a friend or loved one—so we want reconciliation when possible. In fact, relationships can sometimes be strengthened when we weather a misunderstanding together and come out the other side.

Let’s look at some of the factors that can affect our ability to forgive:

The size of the infraction. Small mistakes, like when a friend forgets a lunch date, are easy to forgive, especially if we can imagine ourselves doing the same thing on a hectic day. Big ones are hard, especially if we can’t imagine ourselves committing the same “crime.”

The offender’s intention. Unintentional hurts happen all the time. If someone misses out on a lunch because they forgot, we can get over the temporary irritation. But if we were to find out that they decided to blow us off for some reason without notifying us, we would find it harder to let it go. The act of them not caring enough about our feelings to notify us would make us feel unimportant, and our self-esteem would suffer.

How much it affects our self-image. All hurtful remarks sting, but the closer a critical comment is related to a core value for us, or an image we hold about ourselves (such as being a good parent), the more offended we will be. Few of us have a strong enough self-image to easily shake off a personal insult hurled at us in anger.

Whether we receive an apology. If someone acknowledges their mistake and apologizes fairly quickly, we’ll be more likely to forgive. If they don’t apologize, or offer the equivalent of “sorry, not sorry,” it can be harder to accept. Saying, “I’m sorry you feel hurt” is not an apology because the person has not admitted to any wrongdoing.

Whether someone acknowledges the offense. Not getting an apology is one thing, but if someone doesn’t even acknowledge their transgression, especially after we’ve explained how hurtful it was, it can be exasperating. It invalidates our feeling that we’ve been wronged, leaving us with no place to put our emotion. Again, it impacts our self-worth.

I suspect when we get stuck despite our desire to reconcile with someone who has hurt us, it often has to do with the lack of acknowledgement or apology on their part. Some people simply can’t admit to themselves that they’ve done something they would not normally do or that’s not in keeping with the way they view themselves. It’s confusing, but it may help to understand that harsh parenting in response to making mistakes is likely to blame.

No one likes to get in trouble, but if parents stay calm while they point out our errors, and remind us that everyone messes up while they’re learning, it allows us to not take the incident too personally. This healthy approach creates adults who feel comfortable acknowledging their mistakes and apologizing for them.

If, on the other hand, parents overreact and shame kids, especially if they dole out harsh words or physical punishments, children develop strong defenses whenever they are reprimanded. These overdeveloped defenses, along with a fragile self-image, often carry into adulthood.

How many times have we thought or said to someone else, “Don’t be so defensive!” The problem is that they are usually not aware of it, or its relationship to their early conditioning. Their defenses can be so strong that they literally can’t “see” that that they’ve done anything wrong, even after repeated discussions about it. If they deny the offense, they don’t have to acknowledge the uncomfortable internalized shame they feel.

It can be hard to get past the frustration these behaviors engender in us, but it may help to imagine our friend or loved one as a frightened child who is cowering internally even while presenting a tough exterior. Reframing it in this way can help us to be more compassionate about their denials.

“Forgiveness is about extending mercy to those who have harmed us,” says Robert Enright, a psychologist who has studied the topic for more than 30 years. This sensitive and insightful article “8 Keys to Forgiveness” from the founder of The Forgiveness Institute is the best I’ve read on the topic.

Ultimately, whether or not we extend forgiveness boils down to our desire to offer love, even when it’s really, really hard.

Finally breaking the cycle of resentment towards someone may bring you a level of peace and healing that’s worth the effort. It’s a personal decision that requires motivation, reflection, and prayer.

No matter what you decide, I’m wishing you freedom from the struggle.

Affectionately,

Elaine