When in Doubt, Extend Grace

“See the good in others, so it brings out the best in you.”
~ Liz Newman

If asked, most of us would say that we abhor double standards. We want life to be fair and just for all. And yet, inadvertently, we may be applying a more severe set of standards to others.

When a friend or relative lets us down in a given circumstance, sometimes we’re generous in our attribution of what might have happened. All too often, though, we react emotionally and assign blame to them without knowing all the facts.

We want, and even expect, others to give us the benefit of the doubt, but we don’t always offer them the same courtesy.

“What we imagine events to mean will color the way we feel about ourselves, about the people in our lives, and about the world at large,” says the author of a thought-provoking piece titled “Meaning” on the Daily OM blog.

When someone falls short of our expectations, and we jump to the conclusion that it was intentional, we can very quickly move to feeling hurt, irritated, and frustrated. This Tiny Buddha post on miscommunication includes a good example.

Think of some recent incidents where you feel someone wronged you and how you reacted. Were your first thoughts “Why would they do that to me?” “How could they be so inconsiderate?” “Here they go again!”

These negative attributions diminish our positive feelings towards them. Even if we find out later that what happened was simply a miscommunication, that irritation can linger.

The tendency to doubt or blame others so readily can be the genesis for more exaggerated, maladaptive thoughts: that people are not to be trusted, that someone doesn’t love us the way we thought they did, that we are better off doing things by ourselves rather than relying on others.

So given the ramifications, why are we so quick to judge those close to us? Here are some possibilities:

Disappointment is hard, even for adults. It reminds us of other times when people let us down, especially when we were younger. Those memories can very quickly jettison us into “victim mode.”

We don’t want to be wrong. Many of us have fragile egos and find it hard to accept it when we’ve made a mistake. One enduring trait for many adults is that they regress a bit when they are “in trouble.” Our knee jerk reaction is to shed responsibility and accuse others so that we don’t have to endure the ego pain of having messed up.

We have a natural bias towards assuming the worst of others. Psychologists who have studied this phenomenon have found that we have evolved this way as a defense mechanism. Trusting too readily can make us vulnerable. If we let down our guard with others, the risk of harm to us is higher.

In truth, some people do act badly and are not to be trusted, and we need to pay attention to our gut feel about them.

On the other hand, most people of our general acquaintance, especially those with whom we choose to be in a relationship, are not out to get us. If they do something wrong, it is likely unintentional. They forget, they get distracted, they get held up in traffic, they encounter something urgent requiring their attention. Sometimes they are incapable, for whatever reason, of doing what we are asking them to do.

Unfortunately, when we persist in attributing bad behavior to others (with the belief that they harm us on purpose), it not only affects our relationship with ourselves and others, it negatively affects our view of the world.

“If we want to encourage a positive outlook, well-being, and a sense of self-confidence and even trust in the universe, we can begin by assigning more peaceful, loving meanings to what we experience,” concludes the author of the Daily OM article.

Although this sounds good in theory, it’s so easy to give in to our natural inclinations. How often do we jump to negative conclusions when we encounter frustrations in our daily life, especially when we are stressed or overwhelmed? When people don’t text us back, when they run late, when they don’t get back to us with the information we need?

We can counter this by remembering that we all deserve understanding.

Recall a time recently when you messed up and frustrated or hurt others unintentionally. How did you expect to be treated? Didn’t you want the benefit of the doubt?

It feels so good when others are kind and gracious, and it endears us to them.

This week, if you encounter a situation where you feel someone has let you down, take a moment and pay attention to the meaning you ascribe to it. Try offering them the grace you would want extended to you if the situation were reversed. They will appreciate it, and you might just feel better too!

Affectionately,

Elaine