You're Stronger Than you Know
Photo by Anna Bass
“Praise for the seas and rivers, forests and stones who teach us to endure.
Give thanks for your ancestors, for the wars and plagues they endured and survived. Their resilience is in your bones, your blood.”
~ Christine Valters Paintner, Praise Song for the Pandemic
By now, we’re approaching a month or more of staying at home in order to stay safe. Hard as it is, I imagine many of us are discovering an inner strength—perhaps one we didn’t know we had—as we go through this. At first it was hard to imagine being stuck at home for a week or two, and now we’re quickly getting resigned to it lasting another month or more.
Looking for the slightest bit of light at the end of the tunnel, people are beginning to wonder what the country and the world will be like post-seclusion. I suspect many of us will come out of it fine, perhaps more grateful for simple everyday activities. Others may be a bit more bruised and worse for the wear.
Happily, how we come out of this trial is largely up to us!
If you’re feeling exhausted, frustrated, or paralyzed with anxiety as many are this week, it may be hard to imagine that that statement could be true. It all feels so surreal, and external to us. How can we be in control of the outcome?
Psychologists have studied why some people seem to be able to handle more stress than others. One of the answers has to do with our level of “psychological resilience,” or the ability to mentally and emotionally cope with a crisis. The idea is not only to live through an event but to come out of it even stronger and more resourceful than we were before.
When a difficult event is seen as explainable, manageable, and somehow meaningful, a resilient response is more likely. And yet, COVID-19 is none of these. It seems to have come out of nowhere, is largely out of our control, and appears to have no meaning. This trifecta makes it a more difficult situation to rebound from.
But still, we will.
The more protective factors we employ to lessen the effects of this prolonged stress, the better we’ll be able to cope. Humor, faith, hope, connection, and the good feelings that come from helping others can all help us to spring back more readily.
Yesterday I came across this extraordinary TED talk interview with Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love and Big Magic, who suggests ways to use our imaginations to conquer our fears when bad things are happening.
In addition to her soothing voice and sage wisdom, Gilbert has an incredible ability to reframe our challenges to help us think about them in different ways. For example, she talks about the idea that, as humans, we are better prepared to face a crisis than we know, because we are descendants of hundreds of thousands of people who have faced untold struggles and survived. I’ve never thought about it in quite that way, and I find the idea that resilience is built into our DNA quite comforting.
Like a muscle, the capability for resilience exists in all of us, but to increase our ability to bounce back, we must learn to develop and strengthen that muscle.
Think of the many careers where resilience is essential, like for the first responders and healthcare workers who see so much tragedy, and yet must keep going. Preparation for handling crises is essential to their job training. But the rest of us can study the same concepts and benefit from them. This article on resilience from the American Psychological Association is a good place to begin.
The wonderful news is that it’s not too late! We can start today and take small steps toward improving our ability to rebound quickly once this trial is over. Better yet, that resilience can work for us whenever we encounter future difficulties.
Here are a few suggestions to help you get started:
Focus on the present moment: Thinking about the “what ifs” is what causes us to spiral downward. Instead, direct your attention to anything that brings you joy in the moment.
Decide where you want to be when this is over: Use your imagination to picture yourself traveling to a certain locale, participating in a reunion, or being in the arms of a special loved one. Mental images of happy occasions reduce the stress hormones in our bodies.
Make a list of “Do-overs”: It’s natural to be sad about all the important occasions we’ve missed (weddings, graduations, birthdays, and anniversaries), and we should honor those feelings. But remember that, once it’s safe to do so, we can start having creative do-over events to recapture the joy.
Start a “Missing Jar”: (I love this this family activity I saw on Facebook.) Each day, write down on a slip of paper something that you’re missing from your normal life, and put it in a jar. Use these items to form your bucket list for the summer.
Having been denied so many pleasures of late, I’m hoping we will appreciate them all the more, and possibly, far into the future. I don’t know about you, but what I’m most looking forward to are the many bear hugs I’m going to give and receive. As a dear friend said, we may not ever take them for granted again.
I hope these simple ideas help you some. Know that I am not underestimating the significant challenge some of you are going through, especially those of you who have lost someone or who have had to care for ill family members. I wish you peace, and easier times to come, sooner rather than later. If you’re struggling, remember to reach out to someone.
Affectionately,
Elaine