The Path to Healing

Photo by Cindy Brody

“Change, like healing, takes time.” 
~ Veronica Roth

In the spiritual books I’ve been studying, one of the central tenets is that life is unfolding exactly as it should. That no matter what trials and tribulations we are going through, this is the journey we’re supposed to be on. The goal is to embrace the experiences we’re given, look for the lessons, and allow ourselves to become transformed by them.

Today I’m pondering whether it’s possible to apply the same concepts to the nation. No matter which way the election goes, roughly 50 percent of the country is going to be heartbroken. Political historians are saying they don’t recall a time when the country has been this divided. It is going to take a long time for us to heal, and right now it’s hard to see the path that’s going to get us there.

As I’ve mentioned, I’ve done much of my personal healing in therapy. In my experience, most people don’t go for help until things get really bad. That’s true for individuals, couples, and families. People are surprised to learn that at the beginning of the process, things can sometimes get even worse before they get better. All the heartbreak and pain and anger that have been swept under the rug are brought into the session. Therapists encourage us to be honest, especially with ourselves, and they provide a safe setting for us to be able to do so. They liken the process of excavation to cleaning out a wound or breaking and resetting a bone so it can heal properly.

Similarly, I think what we’re going through now as a nation is having honest conversations about hard topics. They’re uncomfortable for all of us, especially those about racial injustice. It’s so tempting to run from our problems, as many people do from therapy, when they see the level of vulnerability it requires. Some return, in time, but others go back to numbing themselves rather than digging in to resolve their deeper issues.

My hope is that this honest national discourse, painful as it is, will lead to healing.

I read that when the writers of one of my favorite shows, “This is Us,” started working on Season 5, they considered whether to “get real” by addressing the pandemic and the racial injustice issues that had transpired since the end of Season 4. In the end, they decided to include current events as part of the plot line. A CNN article mentioned that “series creator Dan Fogelman told reporters it would have ‘felt almost irresponsible’ not to incorporate coronavirus and what's happening in the world at large into the fictional storyline.” It was a brave call. So many of us are looking for an escape right now—their decision could have easily turned people away.

Instead, they chose to show one character in particular grappling with the events in a way that worried those around him. Seeing their concern, given that he was prone to panic attacks, he explained, "I'm not falling apart. I'm not having a breakdown. I'm just really, really sad."

Doesn’t that echo what many of us are feeling? We’re processing so many different emotions as we face the tragedies of 2020. We’re anxious, we’re frustrated, and we’re really, really sad.

I think it’s hard for us to remember that our experiment of democracy is still in its youth. It’s more fragile than we realize. With teenagers, when they’re acting out or getting into serious scrapes, we wonder sometimes if they’ll even survive, much less turn out okay. Later we look back at those turbulent years and realize it was a stage of high growth for teens and parents alike. And most teens turn out just fine.

On a national level, as on a personal level, it’s tempting to look at all the hate and violence and just give up. Those of us who lived through the ‘60s and regularly saw images of protests, injustices, and shootings on television are slightly better equipped to handle this time because some of it feels familiar. The issues are different, but the polarization and the unrest mirror that time period.

How will we ever get through this?

 We know we can’t go back. We have to press on, hoping and praying that we will emerge with greater clarity, empathy, and awareness. As with therapy, it helps to take the long view, while still managing one day at a time.

The image above, taken on the property of a Tibetan Buddhist Monastery (The Gyoto Foundation) in the San Francisco area, shows prayer flags, which are used to promote peace, strength, and wisdom. This interesting website has more information on the history of Tibetan flags and their use around the world. Tibetans believe their prayers and mantras are blown by the wind to spread good will and compassion into all pervading space.

If ever we needed good will and compassion to spread far and wide, it is now. 

Growing pains are hard. Thankfully, these times of collective exhaustion have been rare in our country. But when they hit, we have to keep going, keep working, keep striving to create a more perfect union.

As the character of Beth reassured her husband, Randall, at the end of the “This is Us” premiere, “The fight goes on. This pain is not forever."

Affectionately,

Elaine