Dig Deep for True Emotional Healing

“Everything you need is already within you. You just need to dig down deep and find it.”
~Averstu.com

I’ve been a bit under the weather all week, but over the weekend, desperate for some fresh air, I decided to go outside and do some weeding. It’s not my favorite activity, but I do enjoy the cooler temps at this time of year.

We’ve had some big rains of late, which makes the job so much easier. Still, when it comes to the stubborn weeds, it’s so tempting to just snip the tops off and move on. But we know they will return quickly if we don’t pull the weeds by their roots.

As I was pondering this concept of what I’ll call “necessary effort” for long-term results, I realized it’s the perfect metaphor for dealing with emotional distress as well.

It’s so tempting, when we’re tired or out of sorts, to take shortcuts when faced with emotional pain. Healing can occur on different levels, and immediate symptom relief is nothing to dismiss. You may see some value in, for example, trying affirmations or positive thinking to improve your self-talk to counter a confidence issue.

I’m all for anything that works, but I worry about some of the self-help methods that seem to be merely band-aids.

At best they provide temporary relief, possibly from the fact that you are doing something. There’s a powerful placebo effect from taking action which can raise your energy and temporarily make it appear that your symptoms have disappeared. But before long, they’re back again.

Far better to do some self-reflection or therapy to unearth the old issues and clear them out for good.

When it comes to weeding, I find it so gratifying to dig down and pull those roots out one by one, even if it takes some muscle, and I’m huffing and puffing my way through it. Any gardener (which I am not, hence the weeds) will tell you that after you work in the yard, you feel a good type of tired. It’s the satisfaction of a job well done.

As reluctant as you may be to face your past, it’s possible to experience a similar “good kind of tired” after doing deep emotional work as well.

For most people, it’s the fear of the unknown that keeps them from digging down to find hidden sources of pain. Healing requires the courage to look inward so you can understand how your past has continued to affect your adult life. “Exploring these experiences can be difficult, but the benefits can be life-changing,” writes Gia Miller in her PsychCentral article “What is Corrective Emotional Experience?”

Just as there are ideal conditions for weeding, as after a hard rain, there are times that are more conducive to doing emotional work and times when you should probably hold off. If you’re experiencing grief or loss or postpartum issues, you will likely not have the necessary energy. Don’t push yourself during those times—the weeds will still be there when you are ready.

If you do decide to take a longer-run approach, there are several options that might help:

One method involves doing your own analysis using the “Five Whys” technique developed by the founder of Toyota Industries. Even though it comes from employee training in the manufacturing realm, the method can be used to analyze almost any type of issue.

“When most people have a problem,” says writer Marelisa Fabrega, “they limit themselves to addressing the immediate and obvious causes of the problem, which leads to the implementation of superficial solutions. Taking this approach won’t provide you with a long-term solution to whatever problem you may be facing.”

For emotional healing, this involves identifying what emotion you feel, understanding why you’re feeling it, and creating action steps or counter-measures to deal with the issue. Look for patterns in your behavior, and keep asking why and challenging your beliefs until you get to that “Aha!” realization. (Alternately you can use “who, what, when, where, why, and how” questions from journalism do for a more thorough analysis of the issue.)

When you reach it, the true “why” will likely bring up some emotion for you because it rings true.

This may give you the clarity that you haven’t had to date. When you get to this level, you may need to talk it out with a friend or confidant in order to gain complete understanding about why the issue is such a trigger for you. This will diffuse its power and prevent it from continuing to interfere with your life and relationships.

If you try this method but still can’t get to the root of the issue, it may be time to talk with a professional. If this seems daunting, know that most people who go for therapy find that the fear of it turns out to be much less of an issue than they imagine it will be.

It is often a relief to unburden yourself to a caring, supportive individual who has your best interest at heart.

It can be especially helpful when you are experiencing internal pain or or ongoing problems in your relationships that won’t abate.

Temporarily revisiting your past as an adult can provide what psychologists call a “corrective emotional experience” which can help you make more positive decisions for your future.

Deep scars from childhood tend to be the most impactful, and resolving them can be wonderfully freeing. That’s not to say that new “weeds” won’t appear from a different source. They will, throughout our lives, as we encounter new challenges and struggles.

But once you learn an effective method for handling them, you will be more likely to address them head on and resolve them.

What are some of the recurring issues in your life that need deeper, more sustained attention?

Affectionately,

Elaine