How to Keep Imposter Syndrome from Thwarting Your Dreams

“Accept who you are—and revel in it.”
~ Mitch Albom

Many of us dream of using our talents to contribute something meaningful to the world. We don’t mind the hard work involved because it’s all in service of our dreams. And yet, when the moment comes to actually share our gifts, it can be daunting. Our goals can be so clear in our heads, but as they are about to be realized, our fears can often outpace our excitement.

Jitters are one thing, and are to be expected, but some people experience deeper self-esteem issues that cause them to shy away from the limelight or even sabotage their own efforts. For them, feelings of unpreparedness, or even unworthiness, are pervasive. Although they are most prevalent with new experiences, they are not limited to them.

As you are making your way through your career, do you sometimes get the feeling that you’re faking it and might be found out at any moment?

Do you ever find it hard to accept compliments because you don’t believe you’re worthy of the praise?

These are telltale signs of what psychologists call imposter syndrome, a state of disbelief that stems from an inaccurate assessment of our talents. Our diminished view of ourselves creates the feeling that we are not as talented as others believe we are.

Imposter syndrome is common among creative people—painters, photographers, writers, and singers—especially when they are self-taught.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard a new member in our writing group say they are “not a real writer.” Early in my career, I felt the same way. If you’re a fan of The Voice on TV, you’ve heard many contestants in their backstage interviews say that they aren’t actually performers. They can’t believe they are about go on stage and sing in front of celebrity judges and millions of viewers, having only sung for family members and friends. At age 20, coach Kelly Clarkson didn’t feel confident enough about her vocal talent to audition for American Idol, but friends convinced her to go for it.

No matter how much talent we have, we aren’t able to make full use of it unless we feel secure enough about ourselves to share it.

For some people on the show, the better they perform, and the more compliments they get, the more their anxiety kicks in. At that point, the coaches’ advice to them often has little to do with technique—it has to do with impressing upon the singers the need to believe in themselves and own their talent enough to quell their nerves.

But where do these deep feelings of unworthiness come from?

My psychoanalyst friend Claudia Luiz was recently interviewed on this topic in a Parade article. In it, she says that imposter syndrome “comes from having parts of yourself that are unintegrated.”

Each of us has parts of our personality we’re less comfortable with, because we perceive them as unlikeable.

We’re not smart enough, not fast enough, not skilled enough. We feel the need to misrepresent ourselves in order to appear that we’re measuring up.

Many of us have learned to cope by pushing these parts out of our awareness. In doing so, though, we unintentionally set up a condition where we aren’t able to “show up” with our full selves.

Even when we are aware that we are hiding parts of ourselves, we can still feel shame about it. We can’t help thinking “if they really knew me…” We’re sure that people would not be as impressed with us if they were aware of our shortcomings. This type of thinking makes it hard to accept a compliment or feel good about a promotion.

But we’re all human. We all have shortcomings and none of us are good at tasks we haven’t done before. It takes some time for us to incorporate new roles into our identity.

So how do we pull together all the fragmented parts of ourselves in order to feel more authentic in our daily lives?

In the article Claudia offers 35 phrases we can use to remind ourselves that although we might have some anxiety, we are doing just fine. Reframing our experience is one strategy that can help us to fully integrate the various aspects of ourselves.

Imposter syndrome can show up anytime we try something new. We worry about how we will do, but even if we do well, we attribute it to luck rather than talent. Oddly, praise from others, which you’d think would be affirming, can send us into a tailspin. It can be hard to own our talent because we project into the future and wonder what more may be expected of us.

It's possible to be perfectly confident in some areas but not others. As soon as we step outside our comfort zone, we get a niggling feeling that we might not be able to measure up. This doesn’t just apply to work—it can crop up in new romantic relationships or in first-time parenting, too.

It’s normal to feel intimidated whenever we lack experience or haven’t had enough training for the job we have or the role we are playing.

It can be helpful to do a personal inventory from time to time to see what parts of ourselves we’re hiding from others.

Then the real work involves doing some reflection on how we might have developed those tendencies. The more we are shamed as children, the more we try as adults to project a happy, strong image to others while hiding the behaviors we’ve developed as coping mechanisms. This insightful article explains how damaging shaming is.

If you have experienced significant shaming from a parent, or even a spouse or partner, you may want to consider psychotherapy. Doing emotional work in collaboration with a therapist can help you reach your deeper insecurities so you can feel whole and real again.

It’s an exhilarating feeling to be good at something and be able to own it. Much as we are impressed with others, it’s okay to be impressed with ourselves when we’ve performed well.

Where do you experience imposter syndrome in your life? What do you need to start to accept about yourself?

With determined effort, you can begin to see yourself as capable and worthy of reaching your highest potential.

As Henry David Thoreau suggested long ago, “Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you’ve imagined.”

Affectionately,

Elaine